Forbidden Fruit

can't seem to get the damn background sound to work...

just woke up from 2 hours of sleep, which by now seems to be my weekly cure for being wasted heh. went to wala's, with a real thirst for drink and with a why-am-i-feelin-so-fucked-up state of mindlessness. without a drop of alcohol in me yet, i walked into my favorite bar as if i was already drunk haa, right into a crowd of three. ian, ames and may were already there.
hey guysh.
hey mike. you sound like you're wasted.
no, i sound like i need to be.

in my defense, i didn't really want to get wasted. i wanted to drink, a lot, i suppose. but i didn't plan on becoming a ragdoll that pukes and blabbers a bunch of nonsense. but things don't go as planned especially when you don't know what you're doing heh.
rewind a bit: i did enjoy myself though, up till the point i wasn't coherent enough anymore to recognise that. by the time i gulped down my first glass, i decided to forget why i felt fucked up. by the second, i forgot that i forgot. and by the fourth, i forgot where my third went.
haa.
i remember fun. remember a real good buzz. sharing peanuts with everybody. remember good band, good music. dancing in a non-dancing pub (what's up with that anyway). remember ames own mother coming to join the fun. remember orange coming to join the fun.
then remember getting out of wala's to baden. i was really high already, and i told myself this is good and good enough heh. then remember orange trafficking a innocent-looking shot of jagermeister to me. that was some vile vile schtuff. but it was also smooth sexy schtuff. i remember it went down so well.
then i don't remember pretty much anything anymore after that haa.
bleah. the jagermeister was quite the clincher. shouldn't have mixed that much beer with vile vile schtuff.
ian told me he had to slap me to wake me up. had to drag me out of the bar with the help of the other girls. as if that wasn't bad enough, apparently i was spewing nonsensical bullshit as well as puke. bleah.
my god, how very un-glam.

i woke up at 6 on my couch for a much needed bath, with everything still on, including a value-added sense of feeling like crap.
so now, two hours after all that, i'm awake without a hangover. but i need a little detox.
i'm going to church.

...deja vu

i've been here before.
the collision of kronos and kairos in my very own microcosm.
i've never quite fled from the narcotic pain i've craved and despaired of.
but its different now i suppose. in the past i tried to escape because of the pain.
now i'm leaving because of the drug.

i have been so veiled in my own blindness i have never dared to touch the colours that fluttered before my brow.
i've been here before.
would that i will end up somewhere else, on the start of other journeys.

"i want to play a game."

found the i-net room in camp.
yay.
the uip here is coming to an end, thank god. this whole week so far has been nothing but talks and lectures. i've sat on that damn chair in the lecture room so frickin long each day it probably has my dna imprinted on it. i don't know what it is about officers that instills in them such a perverse urge to yap relentlessly about the same old subjects in the same old monotone with the same old jokes. the army already is as interesting as a generic pile of cow dung. how much can there be said about bullshit?!
bleah.
at least they do leave us alone when they do.
watched SAW with dennis during our night out yesterday. despite the reviews i've been reading, i found it rather impressive heh. never trust critics in singapore, anyway, they just about have no idea what the fuck they're blabbering about.


"i want to play a game."
i don't think he means tetris, heh.
what do you call someone who murders people by letting them kill themselves, never having to get his own hands dirty? a psycho, a killer, a genius? sometimes the line between these blur.
SAW may be a horror flick and a whodunnit, but the who, how, what and why in this film are sometimes glazed over. i tend to think thats cos it doesn't matter. it is more concerned about other themes, i feel.
the film delves into a moral gray area, one that most people would really rather not dwell in. would you kill someone else to save youself? to save your loved ones? what is the greater good, or the lesser evil? how would you value your own worth against that of another person, how would you judge yourself or him?
you couldn't judge, i'd say. i am worthless, and i have no right to judge. but that doesn't mean i'd choose to just die and let the other live.
is it still a moral dilemma if one does ultimately make a critical choice and come out of it alive?

and yeah, it does have a powerful twist at the movie's end. personally, i am usually a hard critic of plot twists. ever since m night shyamalan's Sixth Sense, so many films have been trying to pull off the most-unexpected-twist-of-the-century. Most of them have resulted in pathetic mindfucks, poorly setup and usually with very little structure relevance to the story. even shyamalan's recent films seem to have a plot twisted squeezed just for the sake of having one.
SAW, however, clearly puts forth its story and themes in the foreground. The twist is well-conceived, subtly weaved within the scenes and ultimately serves as the icing on a good cake, rather than a cream overload with no substance.
i'm lauding this film quite a bit heh. in moderation i'd really say that while this film is truly well made, it is not the best of its genre. To me, Se7en will forever be a classic example of great filmmaking- strong and complete plot, acting and dialogue, powerful themes and image system, and one of the best endings i've seen in a movie. SAW still has certain minor plot loopholes, and less-defined themes. but thats not taking anything away from it.

chill~

been a silly week at camp. couldn't wait to book out.
mainly cos i got a bhangra performance in the making for me heh.
the jcats trial and all the push ups were all fun and good, but when i left, i was in a hurry. got to jas' place at about three and did some last minute rehearsals for the evening event. Deepa-raya celebrations and stuff.
and i realised just how much i missed dancing bhangra and basically hangin out with these guys. Real good to see kevin and kp after waay too long, heh. my last performance was eons ago, and in my stagnancy, chakdey ac had seriously evolved into a much larger group and with a greater potential and zest for the stuff we do than when we first started. And sammy actually joined up with sheri punjab, and now she's doing every gig thats coming her way. Plus she's a frickin dholee! haa, wow.
we reached marine parade cc at 7 plus, and i just got told its so pretty and huge because its basically sm goh's home cc heh.
because kp and kev would leave at 8 something, we did darshan first, followed by the legendary "track 22" (thus named cos we had no idea what its title actually was). i thought the crowd was a little too docile, and the music a tad too soft at first; didn't matter though- i went out like a manjan with a vengeance. disappear into the music. turned out, our performance was fucking awesome. if i may say so myself, judging by the video cherie took. or at least it was good enough to interest the cc to actually propose an interest in sponsoring us for future events and also to provide a studio.
wow.
really glad for jas, cos i think he really has something going on, and this would be a good boost for him and chakdey ac as a whole. it also means we can represent the cc in any future events. which is cool, cos i might just be able to squeeze a few book outs out of this deal haa...
so kudos to jas, kp, sammy, cheryl, tash, cherie and jonong, heh, for a great show and for de-rusting my bhangra moves.

cabbed with sam to town, she's got dinner with family, and i got a much-awaited date with ms alcohol. had a good chat with sam along the way. and i may end up going to her church tomorrow, haa, just cos mum is really screaming for me to go (any church heh), and maybe i just ought to visit Him and keep off his to-torture-and-despair list for a few more heartbeats.
ended up on an extended chillout with andre till just an hour ago. started at starbucks, and heather was there but she left early. then played really really screwed up pool near hard rock cafe for an hour. then we just about tried to go to all these silly places with a minimum age limit, hehe. andre got this sudden urge to check out all those sleazebars (ugh, yep sleazebars) in orchard towers. we spent more time guessing if she was a he, than drinking or doing anything else. then we actually got into a milder bar and had a deal to go in for the duration of one glass of beer. felt like a freakshow to me, cos you had ughly caucs and fugly he/shes trying to feel beautiful and sexy. then you had extremely bad service and bad music.
beer tastes bad, but seldom quite so bad. and never that i finished it in a hurry despite them being sorry, chemically-fucked-up liquids. we got out in a hurry, feeling suddenly quite at peace with the world with who we are, heh, at least until we got to alleybar. it was rather evil to judge anybody like that, i realise, but then i never accused myself of being anything but evil haa.
alleybar's just about the best bar for chillout and great drinks, i found out. good service, elite music (gotan project!), and just about the most ambient design.
andre had tons of crazy ideas tonight, and one would be going to rouge next door. i had thought not to club tonight and save some cash, but i also thought what the hell, just go with it.
bleah. thank god we got in free, cos rouge was soo bad. its weird, cos the music and everything were really ok , but there's simply no crowd. maybe they all scooted to the fhm girl-next-door finals.
or- and methinks its this one- they got word i was coming along. so, wishing to spare themselves from visual disgust, they decided to evacuate ground zero heh.
whatever. eventually the best place to hang out turned out to be my void deck. we just sat there- no drinks, no music, absolutely no ambience and no chicks- and talked real long. about almost everything. honestly, when i first met andre, i would never would have thought he would become so much more a friend to me, until tonight.
and so as it turned out, the void deck was to be the best bar we chilled at tonight.

Antoine "Flash" Howard 1975-2004

first of all, in memory of the great 'Flash', Antoine Howard, who left us this year in march.


streetball absolutely captured my imagination, in every sense of the word, ever since i watched the first mixtape, even more so than NBA. The posse of hot sauce, 50, skip to my lou, AO and flash had me back on the court heh, wanting to own the ballgame like i used to. been in a 3 year coma from the court ever since my injury.

between a rock and a hard place

has it really been just four days since the last post?
got enough happening theses days to last me a month.
or at least until my next drink, heh.

coincidentally or not, my first entry here was when i just got posted to 3SIR. i've been aiming to get here ever since i heard about the third singapore infantry regiment in sispec. i was dying to crawl outta that shithole that was sispec foxtrot, that literally anywhere you go as long as its out was good fuckin news. After being rejected for an entry into ocs, being stuffed into foxtrot felt as if i'm going to jail for trying too hard heh. and i was looking at 3SIR as a good place for me when i get my stripes. It had a hefty reputation as the defending best unit, and its gonna be the one unit to experiment with the new urban ops trial- which i love.
But as people do say, wish for something hard enough and you might just get it.
heh.
At least thats what i felt the first day there. "Freshmeat days" in their lingo meant they were out to shake us up- by way of introduction heh. They did a nice job of that too, some people already wanna get the hell out. There was so much negativity in camp that by the end of the day i was even feeling slightly down about the whole thing heh.
The next book in though, righted my thinking a bit. Although we slept at midnight, setting up the parade square and the field, and expected to rise at 4am i had a good time by book out of Friday evening heh. Scorpions Challenge, or games day, gave me a chance to take a look at the kinda people at 3SIR who were eventually gonna become my men. Heh, and boy this buggers got spirit. They're rough, verbally-abusive and have issues with authority. Could be a problem, but i could definitely lead these men. And the RSM did talk to us ultimately in a more civil manner, and he did resolve some problems and questions we freshmeats had heh.

i should seriously babble less about the army. Not too many people care about the world of little green men.

Friday night was rather crazy though.
Got home, touched down and left for Ian's place by 730 that evening. Joined him, Gwen, his cousin and her girlfriend for a little gathering. Which meant vodka and such for me. Had plans to go ChinaBlack with Andre later in the night, and apparently Gwen's going too. So at the end it was Andre, Ian, Gwen and me going there.
"s'gonna be a great night!" says Gwen.
Time's like these, irony's a bitch.
Long story short, the night didn't go well at all between my friends. Worse, i feel as if i'm really caught in the crossfire launched from an intangible web of waay too messed up emotions. That one night made FRIENDS look like Seasame Street. bleah. i'm actually surprised the only one drunk that night was gwen. But then i've been trying to keep a leash on the daemonica alcoholimus inside of me these days, heh.
Though it hurt to see them like that. i don't think i've ever seen ian quite so fucked up before. and i've known him for some time.
Love's a biatch.
she's been that way 5 years ago, and she sure as hell still is...

regenesis i

ok.
its been, what, almost one and a half years now.
Feels like a million fucking years since i scarred the net with my thoughts in the other blog.
Way too long. so much has passed between now and the last entry, so much has changed.
and then the army happened. dumped into this mess of the brawny, bawdiness, brainless, bald and just plain bad, i could feel whats left of my individuality dissolve into stagnancy.
scared the shit outta me.
this cryogenic freeze of the better of my brain cells since then had been scalding me real bad. creativity is so damn stumped nowadays i'm surprised i can still doodle on my standard-issue memopad.
i need expression heh. need to scrape the sludge off and start finding myself again. find that narco-nirvana i used to be such a sucker for when i could write, draw and shape the extension of my inner angels and demons. art, i belief, is ultimately the creation of the being, sorta just like when god created man in his image- art is of man...
So i think i know the answer to the question why god created the world and us and all that: cos its just so fucking addictive! and the army is one helluva cold turkey.
gee. thats a lotta crap i just said haa. i hope i'm making sense.


yay. i'm gonna be writing again.
So this prodigal one has found his way back to this particular addiction.
i need the rehab now heh.