if each button takes 9 grams of pressure, i have a 72 grams of potential energy hanging over my fingers everytime i pick up the phone. 72 grams of potential energy to make yet another paradigm shift to my life.
They say that when someone dies, the mass of the body drops invariably by 21 grams. 21 grams, weight of your soul. maybe thats why its so hard to muster up the 72 grams of pressure- its more than 3 times the weight of my soul.
heh. i'm not making sense.
i wonder how much 72grams of marijuana might cost.
Cold turkey for the past two weeks had its ups and downs.
Got my life back in relative balance, and the business is progressing steadily. There were good things i learnt from her, ironically, in that i've learnt to bring positivity back into my life. Its surprising how easier things can be when i can just smile and move along to deal with things at a easy pace. The cynic in me would have dealt with things just the same, but i would always feel a lot worse for wear. And cynicism been an catalyst for my insecurities; and a barrier to my ambitions. i've been fighting life with cynicism for so long, to survive.
now it seems i'm fighting cynicism to live.
It helps that good old friends like Claire and Sammy are back to hang out with. Heather and Dre. Chester, still an inspiration after all this time with his cast-in-stone Cheshire grin and optimism. And Cherie, and Deb and so many others.
Its december, though, and the season had always been most important to me. The year ends with red and white and christmas lights, and i go into that reflective mood. How much as a person, in spirit and in being, have i advanced from the past year, if at all? What do i have, what am i leaving behind and what have i ahead of me?
in most respects, i can say that i'm happy with what i have and what i have ahead of me. and i'm trying to leave my cynicism behind me.
it was perhaps this question that led to a talk with cecile. For good reason, she's vehemently defensive. even hostile. i made a decision months ago that left her very... hurt. we've been together in a very long and very crazy relationship, and while i no longer care to rake up the past, our eventual break-up was in the works for a long time. but she seems to be doing very well in her life now, and for that i'm genuinely happy for her.
So much has happened since i made that decision. i found a capacity to love and care for someone that i never thought was possible for me. and i never thought it possible that someone could make me feel so tremendously, deliriously happy and alive. And i had never never thought i could let my heart be so broken.
However, i did not once, and i still do not, regret that decision.
...
gosh darn, princess, we had some amazing times together didn't we?
72 grams. and then what?
i dont know. my heart is the one thing i can't evaluate for this christmas. i don't have it, i don't know whats ahead, and i don't even know if its left me behind.
all i want for christmas...
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