i'm the last person i'd think of when it comes to 'perfect'.
in fact, i'm still the last person when it comes to any synonyms that remotely sound anywhere near perfect. like 'bloody manwhore, but cooks good instant noodles'.
but hey. at least i'm not the first on the list for 'fucked up fool of a pathetic male nurse, but can box to save what's left of his masculinity'.
point is, nobody's perfect. life is easy for some, much tougher for most. and when these imperfections scream out for second chances out of their own accords, life usually gets rather too hardnosed about forgiveness. you make a mistake, and you pay the consequences. fuck around with the wrong molecule in this universe, and it'll blow up right in your face. cause and effect. karma and zen and yingyang and a fucking tray of fortune cookies.
but it gets so much weirder when it comes to someone so close to your heart. on the one hand, its so easy to serve up forgiveness and enough chances to make the 'second' in the term become rather insignificant. on the other hand, everytime it happens again and again, and it hurts so much more and gets so numb at the same time, that u wonder what its all for.
how many times more will i be hearing lies? how long more do i have to doubt?
i wanna learn to trust you. i honestly honestly do. i may be cynical, but as much as i'd hate to admit it, i do have a heart. and i do have u very close to my heart. if i can't trust u, who else is there?
and as much as u might think otherwise, i dun like to rake up the past. u feel guilty, u feel sorry, yes i know. but bringing up the past doesn't make it any less painful than it ever was for me either. i still have things to sort out. i still have questions and doubts. and i don't have answers.
oh i can find out the truth. been there done that. but the truth is a far cry from an answer that i don't even have a question to. how do u reconcile what happened with what u told me, and still expect me to be able to shut that all out, put on a smile and start from scratch like nothing ever happened?
it's tempting, i grant. for so long, i have always wanted to face anything and everything up front and brutally. take the first hit, and find the source of that shit and pound it into obligatory inexistence. i want to that. i can. i had everything in place, money at the ready to wreak a fourth of july on somebody. But now, in all madness, i'm really tempted to go into denial and run. like it never happened.
things have been going great. and maybe its the cynic in me chirping. its been going too well too soon.
is it?
or is it all happening again, and i'm letting my guard down because i don't wanna believe that u can say you love someone so much, and let it happen again.
what should i do? what would u do?
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2 comments:
Repetitions... Hmm, more than often, as you noticed already, history repeats iself. Donq discussed with me many a times on tjis topic, and how David Eddings cite it in his books. Unless something novel or of breakthrough significance is achieved, you're back in the vicous cycle... Take care my dear friend.
i don't know either.
but i guess i'm still too much of a romantic when i find my fingers getting ready to type "go for it".
in this case, though, both the heart and mind are saying "wait... dun rush into it. be sure first. be VERY VERY sure."
... i think.
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